Overheard in Berkeley

Homeless man, laying on the street, yelling: You are all my beautiful rainbows. I love you all. You are all my creation.

You'd think he'd have more to show for himself if he single-handedly created the universe.

Jim and I were dining al fresco when I homeless man came up and demanded that Jim fist-bump him, which he did.

Jim saw a homeless kid drop kick someone's car today.

It's genuinely difficult to tell who is homeless and who is tragically hip. Sir, are you wearing a skirt because you are of scottish heritage and couldn't find your usual kilt, or is that all they had left at the thrift store?

A group of kids were standing near our building today and one of them said "I talked to my cousin from New York today. They have hella different words there." Indeed they do. They hella do.

I was reading in the park today when I heard a homeless guy ask a couple near me if he could tell them a joke. Then he asked for money, so I was already leery when he started approaching me and called out "hey fine cat!" He then recommended I read the time-traveler's wife. So is he just a drugged out Cal student or what the hell is going on?

Every day brings a new mystery in Berkeley.

It's Been An Interesting Few Days

First of all, I apologize that this blog promised to be much more than it turned out to be. Driving all day and crashing at low-budget hotels didn't leave as much time for writing as I anticipated. But we're in Berkeley now so I'll let you all know what occurred.

I should preface this update with the fact that there is currently gallons of water gushing out of our shower. Jim has called 2 emergency plumbers. We met the neighbors by asking for help while soaked in water with blood shot eyes. Welcome to the building, right?

We moved in to find that there was no apparent way to switch the function from bath to shower, so I opted for a bath. Baths are creepy, but they're better than the alternative: not bathing, or flooding your new apartment complex. Jim, on the other hand, decided to "fiddle." At first, when I heard rushing water, I thought he fixed it. Then I looked again and saw that the hot or cold selector was now a water feature. More a geyser really. Yosemite style. We'll let you know how that turns out.

So we drove from Topeka to Denver without a hitch really. Just a lot of long, boring stretches. We stayed at a Best Western PLUS - so you know it offered something special. Namely, a Mexican restaurant next door. We decided why the hell not, and before Jim finished saying "chimichanga" we both had a slop of brown placed in front of us. It was pretty damn awful. But at least the service was bad.

So we left for Utah, home to the Mormons and the Winter Games. FYI: Wyoming sells a lot of fireworks. Park City is pretty cool but it's really small from what we could tell. Salt Lake City is gorgeous. The backdrop of the mountains is truly breathtaking. I couldn't get any reasonably good photos with my iPhone though. Use google images or something and then just picture us in the front. We checked into the Holiday Inn Express, which was pretty nice. We decided to go to an Olive Garden, and I guess maybe I was frazzled because when the waitress asked if we'd be ordering wine, I may have been overzealous in my response. Yesssss please. "Geez, I'm not used to people saying yes." OK, then I remembered I was in Salt Lake City and saw that no one within a mile radius was drinking an alcoholic beverage, and the family at the table next to us was staring. But ya know what? We just drove 8 hours and I'm not going to let a bunch of Sister Wives intimidate me. So yes, ma'am, I will have a cab sauv-pinot gris hybrid.

Next day we drove to Berkeley. We knew it was going to be a long haul: a projected 11.5 hours.

You Can Find Me In St. Louie... Preferably Not in Topeka

So far St. Louis has been the highlight of the trip. It was a jaunty 7 hour drive from Columbus to the Gateway to the West. Coming over a hill and seeing the arch on the horizon is akin to idling in miles and miles of traffic on 3 South and then finally seeing the Sagamore Bridge. I giddly exclaimed "oh my god!" and Jim was immediately on alert, assuming that I had rear-ended a car or otherwise destroyed something, as I was driving at the time. As we pulled into the city, Nelly's "#1" came on and what a boon that was. Their home town hero, welcoming us. One our way out, he came on the radio again with his more recent hit "Just a Dream" ... as if he knew we'd never be back to St. Louie and we would always remember it as a wonderful, albeit short, dream. Tom Tom then instructed us to leap from a highway overpass onto a road below. We wisely chose to follow our own instincts, then proceeded to circle 12th Street for a solid 20 minutes before finding our way to the Brewers House, a lovely B&B in the brewer's district (go figure) of St. Louis. It is an eclectic little three bedroom brick house, the proprieter of which was a charming gay (safe assumption) man who works at Macy's in addition to running the establishment.

We had minimal contact with him, but I knew I liked him before we met him based on the eclectic style of the home. Antiques were mixed with kitchy items such as Mardi Gras masks -- turned out he used to live in New Orleans. The first thing we did upon dropping our bags and Jack off at the room was head to the Anheuser Busch brewery. We walked about 1 mile to get there and I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West. I literally thought I was going to melt. It was 102 degrees with humidity making it feel more like 110. But we finally made it and signed up for a Beer Class, which cost 10 bucks a pop. A guy about our age instructed us for 45 minutes about different types of beer, glasses they should be served in, and how to pour each type. It came complete with a 4-beer tasting (why did you think we signed up? to learn something?) He moved quickly through each description and I assumed I had to keep up by chugging each sample before he went onto the next one. It was when I glanced around at the other couples and saw each glass had only two sips taken out that I realized my mistake. Jim followed my lead, as is his wont, so we both felt like genuine mo-rons.

Then we went on the FREE brewery tour. Is there anything FREE in New England? Never! But St. Louis -- all of their tourist attractions were FREE! Or so we were told, we really only did the brewery. So they take you through this massive factory that from the outside looks like Wonka's chocolate factory, complete with giant cauldrons puffing steam into the sky. We saw the Clydesdales which I just felt sorry for cause they were standing in the oppressive heat. They were quite majestic though. We were taken into a room that is kept at a consistent 50 degrees where the beer is aged over birchwood. Then we went to a room that is consistently around 115 degrees where the beer is milled and strained and all the hops and stuff are removed. The worst part was when we were supposed to see the packaging process, but the machine was down for cleaning, so they showed us a video instead. It was like one of those Simpson's Troy McClure tapes that talked about synergy, efficiency, and quality. But it didn't actually tell us what it did...

At one point, we were all in an elevator when an old extremely southern man asked the tour guide EITHER "do you have additives in your beer" or (what I think) "do you have any ANTI-CUES in your buildings?" I posited that anti-cues is a very southern way of pronouncing antiques, while Jim posited that I am crazy. The world may never know the truth.

After the tour, you get two free 11-oz beer samples. Oh and UNLIMITED PRETZELS!!!!

That night, we took a taxi to Busch Stadium to see the Cardinals play the Astros. We had a white lady taxi driver (when do you ever see that!). Then we got hot dogs and found our four-dollar seats in the nosebleed section, which turned out great because we had a really cool view of the arch, and the kid behind us was wearing crocs and was super overweight and sounded like a girl... so that was fun. At one point he yelled "I WANT MY DIPPIN DOTS AND NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!" You really don't need a context for that. It speaks for itself in my opinion. So we stayed through the seventh, at which point Jim was about to fall asleep.

Next morning Rick (the owner of the B&B) made us unbelievable cheese omelets with perfectly crispy bacon, fresh fruit, french roast coffee, and pastries. Jim was digging the pastries and won't stop saying scones. We were informed that going up the arch isn't worth the long line and that you're essentially shot up there in a tiny tube with five other people.

So instead we decided to drive to Kansas. Leaving St. Louis we saw a billboard for injury attorneys and one of them HAD AN EYE PATCH. So great. As we drove through rolling hills and miles of McDonald's, I mentioned to Jim that I would hate to live in Kansas. Jim responded by saying "If I had to live in Kansas I would drink all day and go to strip clubs." So there's that... At one point we stopped at Wendy's and the woman in line in front of us had a "We support the NRA" shirt on. Needless to say, we felt like fish out of water. Oh and there were SO many awesome Christian billboards. One of them was "If you died today, where would you spend eternity?" and I just prayed to god it wouldn't be Kansas.

So with regards to Topeka. Don't go there. Ever. Our hotel view was a trailer park. I had to fill a prescription at Walgreens and we could hear the woman at the drive-in pick-up asking for percocet and oxy. I didn't see her, but Jim said she was "exactly what he would have expected." We went to a liquor store and Jim got a six-pack of Busch light for 4 dollars. Another woman in line was buying 2 six packs. Her friend asked why 2, and she responded "in case he doesn't show up, so I have something." ????

Well we're in Denver now, and all we're planning for the night is a trip to a Mexican restaurant ... so who knows how much material for tomorrow. Jack may have something to say though... stay tuned.

Into the Great Wide Open in a Very Small Space

Picture this: you're sitting in the passenger seat of a Ford Escape that is literally filled to the bursting-at-the-seams point. Your feet are resting on a collapsed dog crate that is serving as the floor mat. You have a 17-pound rodent on your lap and your left hand is asleep because the animal has been sleeping in the crook of your elbow for 4 hours. There are framed pictures behind you that could slide forward and crack you in the skull at any point. The driver is going 5 miles under the speed limit at any given time. You are listening to Dane Cook BY CHOICE because if you hear Adele's Rolling in the Deep one more time on the radio, you will reach for the rodent's paw and shove it in your ear in attempt to burst your ear drum. Add on to this 10.5 hour car trip a two hour delay because your husband thought the local Comcast was closed on Fridays when in reality it has been closed SINCE MAY 22, 2009. So you have to drive 2 hours out of your way, wait until 10 am, and then wait in line to return a cable box that should've been returned last week. You then finally arrive at your destination, 13.5 hours later, only to realize you're sleeping at a Red Roof Inn in Columbus and you have to get to eat KFC for dinner. Also, on the bedside table of the hotel room, there is a sheet which is a veritable crash course on how not to get robbed/mugged/murdered/or raped while staying at a Red Roof Inn in Columbus. Every 25 minutes, for the duration of the night, the rodent wakes up to bark at the air conditioner. Does this sound like your idea of hell? Cause that was my Tuesday.

So we should talk about Jack...

Jack seems to have caught on that we're moving. Every time we walk out the door to throw something away or put something in the car, he sits at the front door whining in a high pitched cry. If we come back 5 or 10 minutes later, he's still sitting there. It's pathetic. But when we open the door, he's all "oh hey, I forgot you even left... what's up?" We think he was given up for adoption when his last owners moved, so he's on edge. The other night he started barking at 3 a.m.

We're pretty concerned about how he's going to do on the trip. The first day is 10 hours to Columbus and he'll spend all 10 hours sitting on the lap of the person in the passenger side, staring at the person driving and attempting to make a move to sit on their lap or lick their face, or he'll sit on the floor behind the driver and try to claw his way through next to the door. This is approximately what that will look like.

Oh and his nails hurt like a bitch. We've tried to have his nails clipped, but when we go to pick him up, they pretty much say no dice and have scratches all over themselves. He had to be muzzled at the vet last week and all she was doing was feeling his chest and listening to his heart.

On the other hand is my brother Stu and his girlfriend Kyle's dog Buddy. He is a gentle giant. People who think all pit bulls are vicious should meet Buddy and he will change your mind in a heart beat. He makes Jack look like that chick from the Exorcist. One time Jack actually drew blood on Buddy's lip. When Stu and Kyle travel with him, they put a little blanket down on the backseat and there he rests for the duration. This is approximately what that looks like.

I'm thinking maybe we could make a trade? Jack would LOVE New York. He's kind of a fashionista:

How I Always Get Out of Packing

Hi Friends. The time is nigh. We embark on our great adventure one week from tomorrow. So what, you may ask, are we doing to prepare? Well "we" aren't doing anything. Jim is. I will now detail for you the ways in which I have avoided moving and/or packing for the last three moves.

Hingham - Brighton: August 2007
This was the first time I ever moved out of my house (aside from college). My mom hired a moving van. I wasn't even there when they delivered everything. So easy.

Brighton - Beacon Hill: August 2008
We hired movers again. I went to the Cape and relaxed while Lorna and Jessie packed.

Beacon Hill - Hingham/Deep River: July 2009
This one is my favorite. I went to pick up the U-Haul in Cambridge and it took about 3 hours to wait in line. By the time I got back, Lorna, Jessie, and Jim had packed everything and brought most of it down the stairs. Yes, it was a pain to stand at U-Haul for all that time, but in the end, I think I got the better end of the deal.

Now, I sit at work while Jim slaves away at home packing boxes of dishes and cookware. Sure, I'll have to throw all my clothes in some luggage at some point, but by the grace of God I've once again escaped the painful process of packing.

Answering the Eternal Question

"So are you excited about your move?" "You must be getting excited to move" "Have you started packing for your move?"

Yes, Yes, and No. People started asking if we were packing as far back as June. Did people think we were going to sit at home naked with no furniture for two months? I'm planning on waiting until July 19th, my first day as an unemployed wo-man and I'll walk through the apartment throwing things in boxes and bags. Seems like a good plan, right? No seriously, will that work?

Speaking of unemployment, Jim has been jobless for nearly a month now. At first, it was nice because he'd go over to his parents' house during the day, Jack would get to hang out in their yard, and he'd bring home fresh fruit salad. Alas, that did not last long. Until today, he spent his days watching the Casey Anthony trial, obsessing over every detail, judging every expert witness, and threatening to create a drinking game if Casey went on the stand. Needless to say, yesterday was INTENSE. He called at around 1 p.m. on the way to the liquor store because the jury was going to return the verdict at 2:15. He gchatted me throughout the reading of the verdict and his horror/lack of anything better to do was apparent. I've taken the liberty of removing my responses because it's funnier this way. It's like that blog garfieldminusgarfield.net/. It just makes Jim look like a lunatic, which isn't far from the truth.

Jim: verdict in
Jim: VERDICT IN!!!!!
Jim: this is HUGE
Jim: OH MY GOD
1:29 PM what do i do now
Jim: we have no booze
Jim: so what do you think the verdict will be
Jim: im thinking 1st degree murder
1:48 PM this has been quick and i think the biggest debate would be between aggravated mansluaghter and first degree murder
Jim: this is going to be interesting
Jim: andrew needs to get down to the courthouse now
  this is history here
2:00 PM nancy grace is screaming tot mom
  she is saying that she is guilty as chaarged
2:02 PM Jim: baez just entered courtroom
  casey is in the courtroom
  casey is now being seated
2:04 PM baez talking to casey
2:06 PM the commericial is funny
Jim: people are saying casey looks scared
  everyone is in place right now
2:12 PM we were there in the beginning
2:17 PM not guilty
2:18 PM what
  what
  what
Jim: you have to be kidding me
  wow
2:20 PM Jim: not even manslaughter
Jim: i will have to listen to the interviews
  she is basically free to go
2:23 PM this unbelieavable
  jeff ashton is pissed
  the jury basically thinks the father did it
Jim: unbelievable... she is going to make money off of this and live her crazy lifestyle
2:26 PM this is just like the oj case
Jim: its getting to the point and i feel like these csi shows are making people over look common sense and what dna evidence
2:30 PM Jim: wow
2:31 PM not even child abuse
  nancy grace "tot mom not guilty"
  so george and cindy left the courtroom without celebrating
2:51 PM Jim: we need to change our justice system
2:52 PM they should riot in orlando
Jim: people are crying over the verdict and calling up nancy grace
3:06 PM i think riots might start
Jim: oh the public is awesome
  they are hilarious
  people are pissed
3:11 PM Jim: if the jury comes one and believe the drowning i will be so pissed
3:16 PM Jim: the jurors do not want to talk to the media
 Jim: this is crazy
  what is going on
Jim: i think someone was pulling the strings in the jury
3:44 PM it seemed offly quick to come back not guilty and its weird no one wants to talk to the media
  its like they are holding out to get paid more to talk
3:45 PM Jim: it is really weird they don't want to talk right now
  everyone steps up when money is offered
3:49 PM Jim: its just like runaway jury... some one was controlling the jury

We've decided to get rid of all our furniture and start over in Berkeley, so to speak. So if anyone's in the market for a well-worn couch covered in dog hair or bookshelves purchased and assembled by Walmart, holla atcha girl.

How do you drive 3,000 miles without murdering your spouse (legit question)?

As some of you may know, Jim and I are relocating to the San Francisco Bay Area on July 26th. Jim will be starting a Ph.D. program at UC Berkeley, and I will be sitting at home circling jobs in the Wanted Ads with a red marker, while Jack stares glumly at me from his new 500-square-foot home/toilet.

I've decided I/we (really I) will blog throughout the 3,000 mile journey to Cali. Hopefully we can get into some serious hijinx. Possibly break down on a Kansas road and be abducted by a hill creature a la The Hills Have Eyes, Jeepers Creepers, and millions of B horror movies. I have always wondered how I'd react in that situation. Most likely, I'd convince them to take Jim and Jack and spare me. But they wouldn't. Oh, no, they would not.

Anywhizzle, let's start this off with some reader input. Jim and I are looking for suggestions on how to pass the time while driving 10 hours a day, from Topeka to Denver, for example. Audiobooks that will please all? Fun driving games? Recipes for cooking dog meat in case we run out of money/get curious? Anything to stop us from ending up in a 3,000-mile argument about whether or not we should go to Burger King or McDonald's (everyone knows Burger King fries are seriously sub-par). Lastly, how do you entertain a possibly satanic chihuahua mix for six straight days of driving? Do we just inject him with heroin and hope for the best? Any and all comments are welcome, even if you just want to tell me to shut the hell up and leave already.